I Can Deal With This Withdrawl
by eriinxx
Summary: Shikamaru reflects on his time with Neji, moving on is hard to do. ShikaNeji Songfic


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Shikamaru or Neji. Lyrics are Rehab ;; Rihanna.

**AN: **This came to me in a dream. It was strange. Enjoy.

_--------------_

_Baby, baby  
When we first met  
I never felt something so strong_

I remember the very first time I ever saw you; I must have only been nine or so at the time. Back then, you were someone I aspired to be, not be with. The Hyuuga prodigy. Someone that everyone wanted to be, that everyone wanted to know. Even I, a boy who found aspirations and dreams far too troublesome would wish to be like you some day.

But then when I saw you that year of the Chuunin exams. You were breathtaking, but I couldn't say that too you, could I? I couldn't say that to anyone. Something drew me towards you, it was all so troublesome. So I admired from afar, you didn't care for me, I could see that much.

_You were like my lover  
And my best friend  
All wrapped into one  
With a ribbon on it_

I cannot recall when it started, or when it happened. Maybe it had been building up for years, or maybe it had been around for years yet neither of us had acknowledged it. Though I was only 12, and you were only young, it seemed real. Our friendship, our _relationship_ grew strong, I felt. Over the years it built and peaked at my 17th year. It was possibly because I was grown and I understood fully. Or possibly it was your rebellion against your clan. Whatever it was, it made me happy and I'm sure it made you that way also.

We were close, or maybe that is an understatement. You were the person I could trust, I could love, more than anything. You were the one that could make me smile, I was the one who could make you smirk and those few precious times, smile. Our relationship was undefined, but we were together, and for a while there, it seemed that there was no one without the other. Maybe I relied on you too much, but you played too many roles in my life. Maybe I should never have entrusted you to that, maybe I should have stuck to my instinct, that this would end up in a very troublesome way.

_And all of a sudden  
you went and left  
I didn't know how to follow_

Then you changed. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored the signs but I just didn't want it too be true. I still don't recognise when it started. Was it when you started leaning away from my touch? Or when you started avoiding me, even though we lived in the same house? Was it when you started taking unnecessary missions? Or when you started spending more and more time at Lee's place, saying that you needed your space.

I tried, I really did. Obviously we just weren't meant to be. Where'd our love go, it possibly wasn't there to begin with. We separated at a fork in the road and I just couldn't find my way back to join you.

_It's like a shock  
That spun me around  
And now my heart's dead  
I feel so empty and hollow_

You've left a big gap in your wake, even though the dust has cleared. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out, as cliché as that sounds. Or maybe you just stole a part of it, your words wrapped around it and tugged, forcing me to lose a vital piece. This, it could even be fatal, if this were literal. If words could pierce and looks could sting, I'd be in a world of pain, but then again, maybe you would too.

I'll never pretend that I'm the perfect person or the perfect lover. But you weren't perfect either, though I loved you anyway. My love for you smoothed those imperfections, and our perfect moments enhanced the fact that your were perfect, perfect for me.

_And I'll never give myself to another  
The way I gave it to you_

Honestly, I gave myself to you. I gave you my all, more than I'd ever given anyone else. I compromised myself, to make it easier for you; I did everything in my power.

Because you were my all, I realise now that we were never on the same page with that. Because I was naïve, and thought this was a forever thing. You were an extension of me, though I put your feelings far above my own. You were the only important thing, couldn't you see that? Or could you see that and it was just too much for you? Was I too overbearing? I gave you freedom didn't I?

Or was it that you never felt the same way, just laughing behind my back, at the pathetic little boy I once was, pining after your attention.

_Don't even recognize  
The ways you hurt me  
Do you?_

I see you in the streets sometimes, or in the mission room. You used to offer me a sarcastic smile, one accented by sad eyes. Now you just looked straight through me, and maybe that was for the best. You couldn't understand, or maybe you didn't want to.

At least the incessant need to run away whenever I saw you was gone now. But you make me vulnerable, something I don't have any right to be. You got into my shell, the one I use to hide myself, the one everyone sees. You saw me as my real self, not the lazy genius façade I played.

_It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back  
And you're the one to blame_

It would take a miracle to have me run back into your arms, but I never said I didn't believe in miracles. According to some, life is the greatest miracles, and small miracles happen everyday. Me running back to you would be one of those everyday miracles. It wouldn't take much. I am far too attached to you, it's an addiction of the worst kind.

I tried so hard, I really did. You were the one who threw this away. I tried to rummage for it, tried to find it again, but you'd torn it up so finely and hidden it so well, I just couldn't, no matter how much time and effort I put into it.

And now I feel like, oh  
You're the reason  
Why I'm thinking  
I don't wanna smoke on  
These cigarettes no more

I threw my cigarettes away when you left me. I can't recall the exact reason; though I'm sure it had something to do with how I thought you could've found it repulsive. I was hanging on to hopes that if I just changed things about me, if I changed the things I knew were bad, then you might come back, you might start loving me again.

Now I know that it's not going to happen, and I feel rather pathetic. I don't really miss those cigarettes, though I wish I had something to ease the pain. I'm not going to cave. I'm not.

_I guess that's what I get  
For wishful thinking  
Should've never let you enter my door_

I really shouldn't have trusted you. Or maybe I should have. Maybe this was one of those life lessons that you had to learn no matter how hard you tried to avoid it. Something that you could know in theory but until it actually happens you never believe it will happen, no matter how many genius qualities you posses.

Possibly I just wanted something for my own for once. For me, not for family. For me, not for my team. For me, not for Konoha. Maybe I was just wishing myself into a well and had sunk to the bottom, no longer could see the light.

_Next time you wanna go on and leave  
I should just let you go on and do it_

I've let you go, but that wasn't for lack of trying. I tried to keep you here, to give me a second chance and looking back I flinch at how pathetic I must of sounding, how you must have pitied me. I don't need pity. You of all people should know that. But still, when I see you sometimes, your features are laced with pity, I don't need it. Not from you, not from anyone. Just because I haven't found someone new, just because I haven't fully moved on yet. Not like you.

And yes, I do avoid seeing you with him. It's self-preservation; it's something I have to do. Even when I do move on, though I'm sure the stab to my heart when I see you together will lessen, but I'm sure it will not disappear for a _very _long time.

_Cause now I'm using like I bleed  
It's like I checked into rehab  
Baby you're my disease  
It's like I checked into rehab  
Baby you're my disease_

I'm addicted to you. Or I was at least. I was addicted to your touch, your smell, your _love_. To me, it was what fuelled my life, and made it worth living. Coming home to you every night, it was a privilege that I never will forget.

But at the same time, the memories make me sick. But I remember what it felt like, and I remember what I no longer have, but what somebody else has. I hate being jealous, this jealousy is eating away at me.

_Damn,  
Ain't it crazy  
When you're loveswept  
You'll do anything  
For the one you love_

I did everything for you. I practically dropped all my friends, for you. I worked so hard, for you. I became better, faster, smarter, stronger, for you. Because I loved you and I knew that you would only love the best.

So that's what I tried to do. Become the best. I fell short, I can see that now.

_'Cause anytime  
That you needed me  
I'd be there  
It's like  
You were my favorite drug_

I defended you, I hope you don't forget. I defended you against the people who said that you would break my heart and against the people who said that you, yourself had no heart. I defended you against people who said you were too feminine, against the people who said you were cold.

I wonder, are you happy with him, now? Could he ever protect you, defend you, make you whole like I could?

Possibly he can. I respect that. We're through, and I need to move on.

_The only problem is  
That you was using me  
In a different way  
That I was using you_

Sometimes I wonder whether you were just using me. Using me to show what you could get and how you could affect people. Maybe you were with him the entire time, laughing behind my back. If this is the truth, I hope it made you feel good, because at least that could make one of us.

Maybe you never even loved me, and maybe it was just a power trip. Maybe it was some cruel joke. But it's troublesome to second-guess things. I hope you're pleased with yourself.

_But now that I know  
That it's not meant to be  
You gotta go  
I gotta wean myself off of you_

I'm trying, you see. Next time our eyes meet, you won't see the pain. I'm no longer addicted, I can deal with this withdrawl.

I do not love you anymore, Hyuuga Neji.

_It's like I checked into rehab  
Baby you're my disease  
It's like I checked into rehab  
Baby you're my disease_

_--------------------_

**AN: **How was it?

Who's he? you ask. Use your imagination.

Merry Christmas to all.


End file.
